No Fondue For You
A Private Celebration Gone "A-Fowl"
By Teri Gray Franta

Why is it that perfectly happy couples easily fall prey to the most lethal "Hallmark" holiday of all-Saint Valentine's Day? It's like quicksand. Once you fall into the pit, you can't get out. Fights, arguments and hurt feelings, which can all lead to the playing of the hazardous "no sex" card, are more commonplace than you may think on the supposedly most romantic day of the year. Once you play this card, it's easier to use it again-and again. Once you hold "sex" hostage, it's all downhill from there. Just ask your mother. Trust me on this...she'll know.

Now you may think that single people have dibs on the heartache and hurt that Valentine's Day can cause. They don't, but they do have a good case. After all, if you're not one-half of a couple then it's right there on your calendar reminding you of just how "not a couple" you are. New Year's Eve is another event that alienates singles and promotes forced romanticism. Retailers spend billions advancing this idea. From Godiva Chocolates to Victoria's Secret, the manipulation is extreme and the pressure is off the chart. You've seen the pictures. Lady Godiva rode around naked on a horse. How many chocolates do you really think she ate? What about the supermodels? Do you think they get heart-shaped boxes of chocolates from their significant others?

If the outfit my husband ordered for "my" Valentine's gift this year is any indication, I think not. Notice the emphasis on the word "my," as in "my" gift. I didn't get chocolates from my husband because he thought that I thought that chocolates were too fattening. I received a sexy little "outfit" instead. Was this my gift or his? Unfortunately, the outfit remained new in the box for over a month. I wonder why? Trained seal comes to mind. I thought about promising to wear "my gift" if he promised to give me a chocolate egg for Easter, but then I had a better idea. I decided to buy my own chocolate and surprise him with the outfit when he wasn't expecting it. It worked like a charm. We enjoyed a spontaneous and romantic evening that we will remember for its true value. And lest you think I'm too sensitive, the outfit, if you can call it that, is a size too small, and I'm a size two. No wonder I didn't get any chocolates! This from a truly great guy-on the other 364 days of the year. Poor sap. He didn't have a chance. I'm telling you, it's a set-up.

So singles take heart, literally. You can have it. Valentine's Day is not all that it's cracked up to be. It's brutal on the budget and requires forced romanticism, which to many guys means that "for sure" they'll get lucky. This pressure alone causes arguments and disappointment. No wonder most guys say, "I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't." Sometimes they are.

One friend ended up in an argument over the flowers she received from her husband. He didn't think she thanked him properly for his gesture. I think she said they were "just fine." Naturally, there's more to the story. Every year, this friend receives the same style of flower arrangement from her husband, but never on Valentine's Day-always two or three days early. For the first five years, my friend didn't mind. Then she decided that her husband was too cheap to pay the premium that every florist in town levees on their biggest day of the year. Eventually, her husband began delivering the flowers to her office himself-in a vase from home. This could have been romantic, if he hadn't proudly told his wife, "Why pay for a new vase each year, plus delivery?" Sounds like a perfectly valid point to me. I wonder where she got the "cheap" idea. Well, he pushed, she shoved, and their true feelings finally came out. After they went 10 rounds, he explained that she should feel special to get her flowers early, before anyone else, because they stand out-they're unique. "After all," he said, "Everybody gets flowers on Valentine's Day." "Apparently not everybody," replied his wife. Now really, even if her husband was being a little thrifty, is it worth all the fuss? Who do you think profited when he marched down to the store and bought an "I'm sorry" card? Talk about a conspiracy.

So singles, you don't have dibs on the downer of Valentine's Day. If you're not one-half of a couple, then you can't get into an argument over something as silly as flowers being delivered early or no candy because he "thought you were on a diet." The list goes on and on...and on. In fact, my best friend played a card this year that may prove even more dangerous than the "no sex" card-and all because of February 14.

I can honestly say that this friend is in one of strongest, most committed relationships I've ever seen. Yet Cupid still shot her in the hiney, sometimes it's just bad timing. She and her husband were having a minor disagreement. It had nothing to do with Valentine's Day. There were no forgotten reservations, early flowers, or lack of chocolate. It was just a minor disagreement that would have worked itself out in a non-memorial way had it occurred in any other month than February. Enter Valentine's Day. Yes, the disagreement lingered and February 14 forever bears the scar. You see, my friend played the ultimate card. She played the "no fondue for you" card. For years, she and her husband have cherished their private fondue "celebration" on Valentine's Day. No, I'm not sure what all it entails and I'm certainly not going to ask. Let's just say the "fondue" was a special treat that they both truly enjoyed. Now, just because the disagreement carried over onto Valentine's Day, they cancelled fondue and had rotisserie chicken. Now I've heard that the chicken was very good, but I can't help but lament for the fondue that could have been...and might never be again.

So remember, Valentine's Day is big business on Madison Avenue. A lot of people make a ton of money just to make us crazy on Hallmark holidays. Beware the quicksand. Before you overreact, under react, or don't react at all, just ask yourself, "Do I really want to ruin a perfectly good fondue?"

Teri Gray Franta is a professional writer who lives behind what she affectionately calls the Orange Curtain. She also writes irreverently about baggage, butts, bickering, barking, mowing, edging, weeding, watering, garlic, poker, faking, fondue and you! Her readers have labeled her "The Sideways Chica," for her consistently ironic and sideways point of view. You can find more of her musings at www.herestohappywomen.blogspot.com.

Disclaimer: The names and relationship of the subjects mentioned in this essay, and other details, have been altered to protect the privacy of others, and for the health of this writer's friendships. Live, laugh, love. In that order. Everything else, just throw out with the garbage.